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I am saving up to buy The Fundamental Techniques of Classic Pastry Arts. But in the meantime I cheat with my breadmaker. And I cheat by buying non organic pre-made pastry from M&S. I don’t have the time to be a purist. Much as I’d like to be one. For now as an Art Director in Advertising Mum, I use machinery and pre-made pastry. Heck I even bought the kids Walls ice creams and Waitrose pizzas this week.

What does bother me is that I take my food photos at night with the terrible dark black and yellow light that brings. Last night I stayed up till 12 waiting for the bread to finish and the pie to be cooked. I set my alarm for 1am so I could put the cooled (it wasn’t at all) pie in the fridge.

Every night when Astrid goes to bed we talk about things and I tell her stories and the last few nights I’ve brought the laptop in and I read her stories out of my blog. Tonight she asked me to tell her about Grandma and I told her about Grandma and I told her there was the story of Grandma dying on my blog and she asked me to go and get it and read it and we read it together. The night before she wanted to see a photo of me when I was younger.

Just recently I’ve noticed how things all manage to knit into each other somehow – and how sometimes ten years later, or twenty years later you look back and go, cripes, so that was how that worked out.

That’s happened twice, no, three times this week.

This morning on the bus I closed my eyes and watched my thoughts for five minutes. I would peep my eyes open every now and again just to check, but mostly, for five minutes I kept my eyes closed and watched the thoughts that went through my mind. They were; my shoulders are tense – so I relaxed them. I also noticed my mind was surprisingly still and had far fewer thoughts than I thought would be racing through my mind. I briefly thought of Bruce Forsyth watching my thoughts go by on a conveyor belt. I opened my eyes just to make sure nothing untoward was happening as we went past The Purple Turtle in Camden. I thought, I must be really good at this because there are very few thoughts going through my mind. I thought, of Jude and the ruby in India that I need to go and find. Rubies in India. Rubies from Vishnu’s sword.

And it was then that I realised and remembered how things you’ve thought of years ago, and planned years ago – they come back, and some important thoughts always stay and they keep on staying until you go and do them. And then I understood what I’d read about how you get an idea and it stays in you like a beacon until it is brought into reality. Hence those pestery ideas that never go away. Good for them.

Tonight when I was reading Mum’s dying story to Astrid – just before that was a blog post of seven things about me, with my favourite book, by Astrid Lindgren – and again, that was the story I told when Mum was dying – with Astrid holding her hand.

I love it when Astrid asks about Grandma. She’s really interested in Grandma – Opa’s wife. Tonight I explained to Astrid how Grandma was very ill and how her body wasn’t able to keep up the energy to stay alive anymore so her body died and her spirit, as in her mind, moved on to a different plane; a different place. Where we can’t see her or talk to her so easily. And tomorrow we’ll continue the conversation.

Astrid asking about Grandma means Grandma is around.

So perhaps we’ll talk to Grandma soon.

Astrid and I. Little brilliant Astrid.

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