closing time

Tomorrow we’re going to buy me an ipod. It’s not so much the thing of buying a thing. Today it’s the choice between music and drugs. Not fun drugs but the drugs doctors hand out. And I’m not much of a one for the doctor. Today I said well look I’m already going to go to my acupuncturist. I’ll go when we’re in Auckland. Then today, tonight, this evening, I looked outside. I ran upstairs for the camera.Tonight abba was playing and I felt happy again. And I thought, bloody hell. Abba makes me happy. That’s what ‘makes me happy means’. Because is this unhappiness me. Or a thing. Or a thing in me? Is it something I can have removed? What am I supposed to do with it? And then along came music and made me want to dance. And it made me happy. And Astrid was all for dancing to the music as well.

And deeper than that. Sometimes I wonder whether my investigations further into life are here to make me happy, or to make me discover and if not being happy is a part of that. Although in my quest to discover things I did discover the biggest happiness I could ever feel. That time I was in the big dome of suspension – there in Brazil – the big dome of the best loveliness ever. I wonder if that was Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s pleasure dome? I know it was what Hunter S. Thompson was looking for. One night I sat outside my thatched hut with my cigarette and my cargo pants and thought I felt just like him after he’d been here. There.

And then the night after the night after that. When nothing happened and I was left watching the mosquito netting all night. All night watching silvery rays wander down from the moon. Lighting the night grey. Lighting the night silver. Lighting the silver night with solid beams and silvery shimmery reflective rays coming down from the moon. And thinking. Oh hey this is god. I love god. God is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever. Felt. FELT.Yes. Felt. And then god gave me a vision of photographing apples on wooden floors with old fashioned school chairs. Very simple stark rooms. Apples. Wooden floors. Aqua detailing. And lovely old wood. But that was so much later than the first time I was in Brazil.That time I could feel Hunter S. Thompson. Out there smoking my cigarette. The first time in Brazil was well before that and a much more interesting story. But that story is reserved for later.

I wrote a big long rambling piece of writing about this. Which I have just written over. My main point was, well, I’ve been wanting to write about this for a very long time. And this being my blog I’ve decided I can just write whatever I want and I don’t need to start a new secret one because this is my blog and it’s me and who I am. And now by writing this I might be inviting some form of criticism as I have done in past posts. This time I would ask please if you don’t like what I write – if you don’t agree with me – well, you don’t have to and you have every right to be you and have your own opinions. But if you find yourself there I would politely ask you to take yourself elsewhere – I am not in a space where I want to engage in any conflict please. This is my space, and you are very welcome not to visit. And to people who want to visit you are very welcome. And I’m just going to hit publish now. Thanks.






21 responses to “closing time”

  1. Samantha avatar

    Enjoy your blog space! And I enjoyed your post!

  2. suzy avatar

    I liked this post too. And you’re right, it’s your space and you can write whatever you want.

    [Music is good. And so is acupuncture. But doctor drugs have their place too. Don’t be too hard on yourself, having babies and moving house and all that stuff is so tiring, and nothing is more happiness-draining than tired. But it all passes.]

  3. victoria avatar

    I’m sorry it’s necessary to say that – thank goodness I’ve never received that and god forbid that I’ve ever posted a comment that made anyone feel anything other than good.

    I agree with you, so much of what you say. I am a questioner, a dreamer, a creator and it causes me a lot of grief. I think I’m basically a very happy person, but at times, because I prize it so highly, it’s almost like I’m not more easily happy but more easily dissatisfied because I expect and want so much more.

    My greatest fear is getting to the end of my life and having things left undone, untried, unsaid, unlived. I’m turning 40 this year and although I’m not in crisis about body, marriage, family, nothing like that, I guess I am somewhat about self, of feeling that there are no more excuses, that every minute counts. I know every day should be lived like that, but sometimes, well the every day gets in the way.

    I loved the post, don’t apologise.

  4. kielz avatar

    I often email my feelings like this to a very close friend – I call it a brain splurge. I tried it on another friend recently who thanked me for sharing and then very kindly suggested I see a doctor… I don’t think she understood the therapeutic nature of the writing! Enjoy your ipod 🙂

  5. Nanette avatar

    Now then, lovely Charlotte, if I read between the lines I get the feeling that I have been over similar terrain myself.

    If an ipod is going to do it for you get the best one you can and load it up with everything that feels good – abba included. But if that’s not cutting it don’t be afraid of the drugs, they can provide relief and bring you back to yourself. And if you ever want a chat over a virtual cup of tea, I’m here for that.
    Take care,

  6. Clare avatar

    You’re right it’s your space, if people dont like it then they should start their own blog and see what people think of their ramblings.
    Depression? I’ve been there, its part of me. Drugs helped me put it into perspective and find my balance again.
    I’ve just bought some merino from Global fabrics, thanks for inspiring me I love creating/completing things. Home is a good place to be sometimes.

  7. melissa avatar

    i admire you for being you. and writing honestly. it’s something i can’t do, but i wish i could.
    all the best for this last week in london! xx

  8. Rachael avatar

    Very beautifully written. Its yours to do with what you may.

  9. lies avatar

    ha hon I had a right chuckle readin this, and a wee tear too. go. you. and just be. whomever. whatever. ‘s nice that.
    seriously I know that you’re a good writer. don’t stop. see soon! Lies

  10. Fiona avatar

    Music does help, I often forget that.

    Beautiful post. You’re ace, Charlotte. x

  11. sarah avatar

    hi i have loved reading your blog over the past year, i find i connect with your creative eye and insights. You have inspired me and i thank you for sharing part of your life. wishing you happiness!

  12. erin avatar

    it is your space so you get to fill it how you like.
    as an aside, i quite like it too.

  13. Nicole avatar

    Music is a very powerful and positive drug (btw Abba has the same effect on me). I also find that moving in nature has a similar effect. Like you, I’ve had communions there that made me “feel god”.

  14. kdel avatar

    I appreciate your candor and all too often feel very similar. I think there are periods, sometimes years, in our lives where we are trying to balance ourselves but the circumstances are not conducive to it and we try smaller things to get us there but to no avail. Do what you can naturally but medication can really bring you back to your true essence and a new (or your old) way of seeing things. And it doesn’t have to be forever. Remember that.

  15. Ali avatar

    Try it all. And never be censored by the judgement of others.

  16. Nicky at Not My Mother avatar

    Music helps me more than anything when I’m sad, it is the one thing that can drag me out of the deep hole and make me feel I can smile again. Enjoy your ipod, I resisted getting one originally and now I would never be without it.

    Oh, and don’t apologise for speaking what is in your heart. It is beautiful.

  17. CreatureofHabit avatar

    Oh, oh, oh…. how we are in a similar place. I to thought of starting a secret blog, but instead mine just sits idly fir weeks because I don’t have the courage to write completely honestly. Full disclosure frightens the people I’m closest to, so I can’t imagine what it would do to strangers.

    I love your post, and I fully admire your candor. You are wonderful and new horizons await in NZ! I recently got a free iPod Touch with my new computer and I have an appointment at the Mac store for them to teach me what the hell to do with it. I hope it’s magical!

  18. Jeska avatar

    very moving post. Life and trying seeking happiness, balance just an evenness in today is so hard. I suffer bouts of darkness but have always battled it. Just waiting to snap out. Family helps.

    looks as though you have made some good friends here that would do lots to pull you back up into the sunshine.

    good luck with your move.

  19. claire avatar

    oh yes charlotte, i am so happy you are here and have this space to be you. it’s such a shame that people might ever feel the need to bring their shit into it, but I’m glad your staying 🙂

    i can imagine things must be quite up in the air with you now, and it’s precisely those times when i feel most disconnected from who i am. dancing always helps… hope you love your new ipod, and hope this last week is brilliant.

  20. Anneliese avatar

    I enjoyed reading this so much..
    for your honesty
    your openness
    your bravery for writing it down just how it is

    hoorah for the Yellow iPod

  21. Kiki avatar

    hi charlotte,
    I’ve been checking your blog for some time and I love it.
    I regret I was to shy to arrange for us to meet around north london, as I live in Crouch End and now i read that you have a connection with Brazil, and I’m brazilian…
    Good luck with your move, your girls are so beautiful, your writing as well.
    take care

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *